You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.
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It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
What the dentist sees
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
Person: It’s not rocket science.
Rocket science [wipes forehead and exhales] : Whew! Nearly got caught there.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
God: It’s time to speed up the apocalypse.
Angel: But people are basically good. Give them a chance!
God: The Baby Shark people just released a “Wash Your Hands” song.
Angel: Never mind, go ahead.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.