who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
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Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
Wednesday
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
I opened Match and Tinder on my Kindle Fire and it burst into old flames.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult