I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
You have precisely two minutes to consider where your life went wrong as you watch your Hot Pocket rotate in the microwave.
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HER: *staring into my eyes* Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *daydreaming about dogs on trampolines* Just you, girl.
Robbing me is only a good idea if you’re running low on ketchup packets.
The airline managed to lose the in-laws luggage, but not the in-laws. *sigh*
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
Forget sex positions, has anyone found a reading position that doesn’t get uncomfortable after about 5 minutes?
“Where were you?”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
ME: well said, kitty, well said
FRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.