You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
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My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
I present to you: Stupid things White people have said to me, but with a “live, laugh, love” font, because I’m petty, a thread…
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
Every time my neighbor puts his kayak on top of his car, I strap a bunch of pool noodles on top of mine. Two can play this game.
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
Me: we’re having toad in the hole for breakfast
Pet toad: WHAT
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
[Visiting a Cybercafe for the first time]
Me: one internet please
Someone is yelling!
The voice is familiar…
How they rave and they rant!
Is it Jackman?
Or, Laurie?
Hefner or Grant?– Horton Hears a Hugh
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.