Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
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[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
your elf on the shelf was delicious
I just saved a mom $26 by trying on the same hat her teen daughter wanted.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
So no pizza place on Ninja Turtles ever questioned the delivery address being “The Sewer”
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
I only eat wild caught salmon because I like to know the fishermen had a good time
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
I’m so full I could puke a horse
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
A leaf blower, but for people.
I love wikipedia
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
Bible Study with my dad when i was kid:
“But Papa, why is having frogs everywhere such a bad thing?”
*Talking about 10 plagues of Eygpt*
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Welcome to parenthood. You’re about to spend an irrational amount of time convincing a sleepy person to go to sleep
20 yrs from now they’ll make a movie on how Leonardo DeCaprio never won an Oscar. Plot twist the actor playing him wins an Oscar.
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
POLICE: [on bullhorn] PLEASE COME DOWN, EVERYTHING’S FINE
ME: [yelling down from ledge] ARE YOU SERIOUS HAVE YOU WATCHED THE NEWS AT ALL