You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
You Might Also Like
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
Premeditated murder is a harsh accusation. I prefer “former girl scout who is always prepared.”
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
my wife and i went furniture shopping this weekend and one couch just shouted “take me home” at us, so we left because nobody needs a talking couch
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
I can tell my 5yo will make a great politician someday by the way he uses other kids as human shields in dodgeball.
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
My kitten runs away when the kids come near her, and now I’m mad that I never thought to try that myself.