You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
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The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
[my dog lays down on my date’s lap instead of mine]
date: “i had a good time tonight”
me: “i think you need to leave”
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Wolverine was named that because he was a combination of a wolf and a nectarine I will not be taking questions at this time.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
Appetizer is the Latin word meaning I’m hungry now and don’t wanna wait for big food
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
I suffer from a rare condition called OCDC, which forces me to salute all of those who are about to rock.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing