@1_swarthy_dude

You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.

You Might Also Like

@thomaspluck

Steps for reading articles:
1. Accept cookies
2. Block notifications
3. Deny location to website
4. Decline invitation to subscribe
5. Stop auto-playing video ads/mute sound
6. Dismiss reminder of free articles remaining
7. Shrink drop down banner
8. Click “read more”
9. Give up

@Carbosly

If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.

@jwoodham

People are always impressed to hear that I graduated from Harvard at 16, but you can do anything you set your mind to if you just lie.

@Shingaboop

Look UPS guy, you can’t just show up at someone’s house unannounced and expect them to have pants on.

@careworn

If you don’t want me to sing at your kids then don’t name them Roxanne.

@sofarrsogud

It’s like my pet hippo doesn’t even realise it’s my pet.

DOCTOR: Please be quiet while I stitch up your face.

@MichaelTrying

If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.

@yendys1

Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.

@dog_feelings

the human has started opening and shutting the garage door. pretending to have just gotten home. because they missed how excited that makes me