You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
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“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Wife: You clearly have a favorite child by the way you named them.
Me: Not true. I love both equally.
Mary: Thanks Dad
Mistake: I hate you
We are the people our parents warned us about.
“Clean up after yourselves. Your mother doesn’t live here!” I holler at my kids, completely forgetting several key details.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now