You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
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Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
✌️
Guys in motorcycle clubs should have to go door to door like Mormon missionaries.
I don’t really wanna join but I’d like to be asked
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
Natty or not?
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
“You did it!”
-dog watching me fail to solve a rubiks cube
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
I’m trying to convince my Seattle in-laws the new travel ban means we can’t visit them this summer.
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
Jimmy Bathwater, 27 of Howdon, pleaded guilty to roundhousing a seagull out the sky. He was fined £300 despite how impressive that sounds
Standing outside your window holding an economy-size bottle of ibuprofen above my head.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey