You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
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For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
BREAKING: Popeye Expresses Outrage as Pope Goes to Mount Olive
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
“You’re the Garbage Man, eh? What’s your super power?”
“I’m just here to take out the trash.”
“Whoa, we’ll get to your catch phrase later.”
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
NOT NOW MOM I’M ASKING MEN ON THE INTERNET WHAT IT’S LIKE TO BE INSUFFERABLE
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
My best quality: telling it like it is.
My worst quality: telling it like it is.
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
I wondered why my back was so sore until I saw my son jumping rope on a crack in the sidewalk.
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
Woman approaches me as I’m putting groceries in my car: Excuse me
Me: *concerned because she looks shellshocked* Are you okay?
W: Um I’m visiting, not local. *looking at her phone* This CAN’T be right. It says the NEAREST Starbucks is 58 miles?
Me: *laughing* Yep
W: OMG noooo
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
*downloading the new earthquake warning app*
*setting to vibrate mode*
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
Him: I like bad girls.
Me: Sometimes I deliberately leave out the Oxford comma.
Him:
Me: That’s a lie. I’m sorry, I can’t do this.
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
If you could go back in time and show a medieval peasant one movie, what would it be?
I would pick Jim Carrey’s classic “The Mask” (1994)
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”