when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
You Might Also Like
I admire women with the restraint to draw on their eyebrows. I wouldn’t be able to stop until I’d added glasses and a moustache.
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Favorite question to ask a prospective boyfriend for my sister:
Have you ever seen a dead body?
*casually lifts shirt to expose .357*
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
My gf just sat me down and confessed to me that she used to be a Christian. It came as quite a shock; I’ve only ever known her as Christine
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
Can’t believe Flo Rida says “so many girls in here, where do I begin” and “where them girls at” in the same song. They are right in here. So many of them.
Is “drunk” an emotion?
Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now….
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
When I die I want to come back as a speed bump so I can piss people off
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
I like my women like I like my woods: haunted & can kill me at any moment.
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.