@MikeCanRant

You have to put a potato in the microwave to push the potato button. Other things dont turn into potatoes.

*brought to you by Bounty*

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@80want

?Police Navidad / Police Navidad / Police Navidad, usemos mace y brutalidad?

@elle91

Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.

@UncleBob56

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Me: Same

@AristotlesNZ

Guy stole my bike so I got in a cab & said follow that guy! He said sure, whats his twitter name? We laughed & hi-fived & I need a new bike

@SortaBad

“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken

@SCbchbum

Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?

@KentWGraham

My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”

@CatherineLMK

“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives