You have to put a potato in the microwave to push the potato button. Other things dont turn into potatoes.

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?Police Navidad / Police Navidad / Police Navidad, usemos mace y brutalidad?


Imagine a baby named Edith. Exactly, you can’t because everyone named Edith quietly emerged from the woods at age 78 knitting an incredibly complicated afghan.


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Me: Same


Guy stole my bike so I got in a cab & said follow that guy! He said sure, whats his twitter name? We laughed & hi-fived & I need a new bike


“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken


Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?


My wife doesn’t believe that auto correct changed “Yes dear” to “Hell no I’m not picking your mother up from the airport at 1am.”


“Remember that man you met for 5 seconds when you were 2 months old? Let me catch you up on his medical history”
-my relatives