told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
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Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
I was just discussing this with my cat
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
“Never go to bed angry” is some solid advice if you want to stay up until 3am fighting
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
My period was late this month and my first thought after realizing it was, “I’m too young to be pregnant”.
Let the reader understand; I’m weeks away from 29 and already have two children.
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
by not dating me, you are tragically missing out on me saying “have you seen this tik tok” every 20 minutes until you die
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
It’s so annoying when you’re trying to poison someone but they’re just not thirsty 🙁
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.