You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
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her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
You ever stop and think about how lucky your friends are that you put so much effort and care into the memes you send them
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
the council will decide your fate
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…
…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
ME: *striking a pose at the end of the runway*
PILOT (over intercom): we’ll take off as soon as this fuckin moron gets out of the way
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.