I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
You Might Also Like
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
No one:
My Dad at dinner last night: It takes a lot more to burn off your fingerprints than you would think.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
me: i wrote you a song, it’s called ‘rudolph the red nose reindeer’
rudolph: it better not be about my nose
me:
rudolph: sing the song keith
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS