I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
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My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
I was pretty sure you were the wrong kind of crazy. Then you used “luckfully” in a tweet and removed all doubt.
*limbos away from your hug*
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
I read that the smarter a woman is, the harder it is for her to find a man.
MENSA should be calling me any minute, apparently.
Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Being unemployed has given me even more time to make up songs to sing to my cat.
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
*Licking my plate clean
Girlfriend)You still have to wash that
Me)This house is a prison
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!