“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
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Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
My yoga instructor says I need to work on my breathing.
But I mean, 41 years, still alive. I kinda got it.
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
Them: how old are you
Me: well let’s see, I was born in 1976 so that would make me *counts on fingers* 150 years old.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
I’m asking my mom for a small loan by pretending to be a Nigerian prince.
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Two years ago I became a proud father. My son is 6, but he was kinda lame those first four years.
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
You know how people play video games by pushing all the buttons at once?
That’s how I’m handling adulthood.
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats