“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
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Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
“Please hold. Your call is important to us.”
*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*“Please continue to hold…”
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
It’s so cold out today in Wisconsin I just saw a snowman kill another snowman and crawl inside his body cavity
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
[milking a cow]
Cow: ooh, harder, daddy, harder
Farmer: what?
Cow: I mean – moo
I asked 4 how school was and she said Mrs Dixon was cross bc Freya ate her cookie before her macaroni cheese so Freya told Mrs Dixon it was hard to look at the cookie sitting there and not eat it and tbh this time Freya has my full support
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
Overheard my 11 y/o daughter record her voicemail greeting: “Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. When you hear the beep, hang up and send me a text.” This generation gets it.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
When someone’s shooting at you, always run in a zig zag pattern. It won’t increase your odds. But it will make everyone laugh.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!