You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.
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– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
My neighbor caught me going through my own garbage can to find my engagement ring, so I told her, “There are some great deals in there on Tuesdays.”
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
“Some say I have a drinking problem”
*pours glass of water on lap*
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
We don’t have Taco Bell in South Africa because this country’s been through too much already.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
[at oceanside seafood restaurant]
Me: Is the fish fresh here?
Waiter: Yes
*from the kitchen, a fish blows me a kiss & waves seductively*
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter