omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
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What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
me: can I give your dog a pet?
him: sure
me: *places slightly smaller dog next to his*
dog: thanks
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]
*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
the simulation is moving too fast
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
My dad’s advice to me for when I receive unwanted male attention:
Pick your nose
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.