You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
You Might Also Like
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
My favorite type of men is ramen.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about two kids who break into an old lady’s house, steal her stuff, and murder her.
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
Before I get busy doing nothing, I am taking a 20 minute break.
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Interior design 👌
I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no