Here, let me help you with your jacket!
*i gently remove her jacket*
This is mine now. Cya
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
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Working hard at building up my self confidence! (that’s what I named my new Lego set)
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
that awkward moment when you stub your toe and accidentally summon the spirits of a thousand dead feet while you yell and curse
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
My blood type is A+ because I’m the best at everything. Even at having blood.
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.