You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
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Stop shaming yourself for not pursuing a traditional career path. “Sea-witch who steals voices” is a real job. “Lady with snakes for hair” is a real job. “Prophetic hag who appears only in dreams” is a real job. Your career is valid ❤️
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
To provide better customer service, we’ve put a chat bot on our site to make sure you’re hung in an infinite loop without solving the problem, buried our phone number, & staffed our phone lines with people who follow a notebook flow chart before dropping your call
–companies
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
When the going gets stupid, the stupid, stupid harder.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
ME: *plummeting to earth* I’VE MISUNDERSTOOD THE INTENDED UTILITY OF PARACHUTE PANTS
nyc: