[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
You hear about people running amok but what about people doing other things amok? I often eat chocolate amok and you don’t hear about that.
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We appreciate the 3 billion guys that signed up for our sex study, but unfortunately we only need five.
Last time I wore my celery costume out in public I was arrested for stalking.
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
Caveman1: look, I invent wheel
Caveman2: what we do now?
Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel
Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
If a bear approaches you, give up and let him eat you. He’s adorable and humans are overpopulated, take one for the team
me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?
him: is it leftovers again?
me: it’s leftovers again.
Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.nMe: TEDDYBEARSnCop: Aww.