Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
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[showing my 4yo a Slinky]
me: look, it’s walking down the stairs
kid: what else can it do
me: literally nothing
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
🙂🙃🥹
Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
Alien: We come in peace
Human: Aw man, we hate that
Day 1 of diet:
forgot I was on a diet and had a milkshake and fried chicken. Will try again tomorrow.
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!