@Tups13

You hear about people running amok but what about people doing other things amok? I often eat chocolate amok and you don’t hear about that.

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@pilau

[at a restaurant]

Her: I’m going with meatloaf

Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together

@underchilde

We appreciate the 3 billion guys that signed up for our sex study, but unfortunately we only need five.

@AristotlesNZ

Last time I wore my celery costume out in public I was arrested for stalking.

@TheBoydP

I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.

@daemonic3

Caveman1: look, I invent wheel

Caveman2: what we do now?

Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel

Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet

@bingowings14

First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.

@CornOnTheGoblin

[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside

@Home_Halfway

If a bear approaches you, give up and let him eat you. He’s adorable and humans are overpopulated, take one for the team

@prufrockluvsong

me: *wistful* what if you could go back in time and relive a delightful meal with a loved one?

him: is it leftovers again?

me: it’s leftovers again.

@sad_jake

Cop: Whatever you say will be held against you.nMe: TEDDYBEARSnCop: Aww.