Oh, a BEAR hug. *starts putting clothes back on*
You hear about people running amok but what about people doing other things amok? I often eat chocolate amok and you don’t hear about that.
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Someone hired a sloth with a knife to murder me, he’s in my driveway, so I have 6-8 months to live
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
I found a voodoo doll covered with pins on my doorstep. Too bad their plan backfired. They used an acupuncture technique and I’m feeling better than ever.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
In a parallel universe, your password forgets you.