You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
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Me checking my bank balance online.
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
…but it’s just me attempting to recover silverware from my teenage son’s bedroom.
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
How does one answer this?
People often ask me how I afford to live a lavish lifestyle while spending most of my day on Twitter. Here are a few tips.
1. Wake up early every morning
2. Build a work routine
3. Learn to delegate responsibility
4. Inherit a lot of money from parents
5. Sleep at time