Why is everything so sticky?
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
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You ever lied so much on a resume, you’re actually shocked that they gave you the job? I mean look at me, do I look like an astronaut?
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
Been coughing all day. Can’t seem to stop. Guess I should go see a movie.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
If a tree falls in the woods can I stand under it so I don’t have to go to work tomorrow?
Listen up, bagel man. We’ve got a good thing going here so let’s not mess it up by you asking if I want the fat free cream cheese instead.
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
me being petty:
*gets late 3 hour late reply*
*waits for 50 seconds to reply back*
I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl