You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
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“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
Answering all phone calls with, “no, YOUR payment is overdue!”.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
ME: “My time machine works! I just killed Bobby Hitler!”
FRIEND: “You mean baby Hitler?”
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:”I’ll be right back.”
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Don’t snitch tag.
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it