You hear about that roman ruler who found the fountain of youth? Emperor constant teen.
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If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
I hate when I forget to shave then people assume I’m a hippy and start talking about recycling.
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
geologists have had it too easy for too long. discover a new rock or i will riot
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
worst…sale…ever
My parents just called.
M+D: We started watching Captain America Civil War from the middle.
ME: You should watch it from the beginning?
M+D: It came on TV and we caught it halfway through.
ME: Okay.
M+D: Real quick – why are they all at the airport fighting each other?
Moth = Daughter.
Flame = Me, on a work video call.
[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
When ur friends with white people
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
A demon that writes messages on your mirror with blood but they’re useful messages. Like “remember you have yoga at 6 tonight”
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.