You: Help! I’ve been shot!
Me (remembering a time I poked a hole in the side of my cup o’ noodles with a fork but held my finger over it to stop the broth from leaking while I ate): I can help.
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[8 AM – calling doctor’s office]
Answering machine: Our office hours are Monday thru Thursday 9:15 AM to 4 PM. We are closed from 11 AM to 2 PM for lunch. We are closed Friday and weekends. Please leave a message. [beep]
Me: Are you…are you guys hiring?
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Don’t call me a party animal then get upset that I pooped on your carpet.
It took me 15 mins to explain to my 18yo son how to make Minute Rice, in case you were thinking about having kids.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.