you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
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Teacher: Your daughter is doing so well at school we’d like to move her forward a year.
Me: *whispering* oh my god they invented time travel.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Texas principal: If that’s a homemade clock and not a bomb, what time is it?
Muslim student: Time for a lawsuit.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were