6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
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How about a superhero whose power is TAKING CARE OF HIS KIDS *high-fives Maury audience while Batman storms off*
The best thing about hand sanitiser is that when you put it on, it looks like you are plotting to take over the world.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
I wonder if babies know that we are more terrified of them than they are of us
Every time I pick up my phone after dropping it, I feel like one of those worried girls in movies who just took a pregnancy test.
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
I’m keeping a greater distance behind this truck with a vanity plate that reads “IMTEXAN” than I do behind cars with “Baby on board” signs.