@HomeProbably

You: Hold my beer.

Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*

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@ValeeGrrl

6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE

Husband: *dies laughing*

@briangaar

How about a superhero whose power is TAKING CARE OF HIS KIDS *high-fives Maury audience while Batman storms off*

@Dawn_M_

The best thing about hand sanitiser is that when you put it on, it looks like you are plotting to take over the world.

@DaddyJew

I wonder if babies know that we are more terrified of them than they are of us

@KKAlThani

Every time I pick up my phone after dropping it, I feel like one of those worried girls in movies who just took a pregnancy test.

@Birdhumms

One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.

@SADCHICANA

why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism

@Marlebean

Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!

Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

I’m keeping a greater distance behind this truck with a vanity plate that reads “IMTEXAN” than I do behind cars with “Baby on board” signs.