You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
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Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
*resolves to start taking better care of myself
*puts in a fresh pair of disposable contact lenses
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
A friend was talkin about her expensive face lotion. She said she was confused about it runnin out so fast. She finally asked her husband & he said he wondered why she kept buyin such tiny bottles. Fool was using it on his whole body😭. Said it was silkiest skin era of HIS LIFE
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
dear parents,
just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
Wish I could focus on anything with even half the intensity of my dog watching me eat yogurt.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
One time i saw a man eat a whole apple, core and everything. Motherboard and power supply too. The man ate a computer it was horrifying
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist