I don’t regret my exes. They all served a purpose. On an unrelated note, my rose bushes are really thriving.
You hurt the feelings of a person who was once the crush of a person who was once a friend of mine so you’re a BAD person.
~ internet logic
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wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
If you ever feel bad about your procrastination, Harry had three month to figure out the egg clue and still did it the night before
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
Boss: We’re all human. We all make mistakes.
Me: [holds up a sign from the back of the conference room that says #NotAllHumans]
My friend wanted to cheer me up today so she’s taking me to a painting class to paint Christmas gnomes.
And now I’m more sad because I have to find a new friend.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.