@ShoutingGoddess

You hurt the feelings of a person who was once the crush of a person who was once a friend of mine so you’re a BAD person.

~ internet logic

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@bettieriot

I don’t regret my exes. They all served a purpose. On an unrelated note, my rose bushes are really thriving.

@thedad

wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle

me: *putting down the ketchup* ok

@HogwartsLogic

If you ever feel bad about your procrastination, Harry had three month to figure out the egg clue and still did it the night before

@NaaN_Conformist

Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.

If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.

@DirtMcTurd

If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Boss: We’re all human. We all make mistakes.
Me: [holds up a sign from the back of the conference room that says #NotAllHumans]

@Divergentmama

My friend wanted to cheer me up today so she’s taking me to a painting class to paint Christmas gnomes.

And now I’m more sad because I have to find a new friend.

@wolfpupy

[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years

@amishschool

Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:

“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”

@truegritrumble

DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.