Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
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I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
this is uni
Accidentally walked into the men’s room so I just went ahead and used the urinal so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
Sticker placement is key.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
I’m getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn’t the one who’s supposed to be crying during our sessions.
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
Pretty girl in front of me at Panera ordered a frozen cold brew and before I could stop myself I said, “Ah yes, the coldest brew of all,” and she moved away from me.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.