You: I got a headache.
WebMD: It’s gonna be your last one.
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School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
The funniest bit of advertising nonsense is when companies redesign their product packaging but also put “New Look!” in huge letters on it. Yeah guys, I’m buying your mac n cheese because of the updated font size on the box.
How to Feel Comfortable in Your Own Skin
Step 1: Stop wearing other people’s skin
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
[Speed dating]
Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Her: “Und..”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
[Carpool]
Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car
Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station
Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
Watching this Dahmer show on Netflix this guy doesn’t seem too bad I mean he’s just oh wait yep ok there it is wow my god Jeffrey
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.