@Jake_Vig

YOU: I murdered someone.

YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.

******************

YOU: I murdered someone.

YOUR CAT: Me too.

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@Just_Beachy72

Answers phone breathlessly

Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…

@jimmytorosian

[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
? All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ?

@NurseSeymour

Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.

@Tmoney68

My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.

@shimmala

My kids are gonna be super disappointed when they find out sweet talk involves no exchange of tangible confectionary goods.

@WowYoureFunny

If the doorbell rings, its normal to drop, shimmy across the floor, press your body to the wall & not breath till the person is gone, right?

@RorynotRoy

“I don’t want you to freak out, but…” – someone with a shaky grasp of how anxiety works