YOU: I murdered someone.

YOUR DOG: I’m totally cool with that. I love you.


YOU: I murdered someone.

YOUR CAT: Me too.

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Answers phone breathlessly

Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…


[Soldiers regrouping]
Where’s Jim?
He went M.I.A.
*Cut to Jim*
? All I wanna do
*bang bang bang bang*
*reloading noise*
And shoot enemies ?


Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.


My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.


My kids are gonna be super disappointed when they find out sweet talk involves no exchange of tangible confectionary goods.


If the doorbell rings, its normal to drop, shimmy across the floor, press your body to the wall & not breath till the person is gone, right?


“I don’t want you to freak out, but…” – someone with a shaky grasp of how anxiety works