You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
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Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
“Wait, let me explain..”
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
Adultry does not sound fun at all
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
I fought the law* and the law* won.
*duvet cover
*Ghost Jail
Ghost 1: What’re you in for?
Ghost 2: Posession
Ghost 1: Nice
[at a bar]
*creepy dude is hitting on me*
Me: you wanna get outta here?
Him: yeah
Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
12 YEAR OLD: I wrote a movie script called Suicide Squad but it’s bad *throws in trash*
HOLLYWOOD PRODUCER: *walks by trash* Hey what’s this
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
FAMILY MEETING!
And, just like that, dad had the whole house to himself…
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.