You, idiot magician: I’ve sawed a lady in half!
Me, brilliant English teacher: you’ve SEEN a lady in half
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The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
CULT LEADER: join our cult
ME: no thanks
CULT LEADER: we believe Air Bud was a documentary
ME: I’m listening
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
What do you mean that “you can’t monetize laziness and procrastination?”
cat faces on other animals, a thread
DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
Mhm.
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]