@MNateShyamalan

you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea

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@o__0Dev

My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.

@BallsMcBallski

My boss: Are you on Twitter?

Me: I’ve never heard of it. Is it a drug? Why would you ask? Am I acting funny? Maybe you’re acting funny.

@UncleDuke1969

[doorbell]

“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”

*closes door*

@huntigula

wife: hey…HEY

me: *takes out earbuds*

wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?

me: *puts earbuds back in*

@morninggloria

Until I started experiencing insomnia I had no idea it was possible to be this furious with each of my pillows individually

@novicefather

Welcome to kleptomaniac club. I see you already took a brochure.

@nyquills

Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.

Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast