you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
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My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Why bother drinking water? You’re just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn’t want you to know.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
She doesn’t have a Gmail account cause all her males are hot
When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”