you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
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I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
“Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu— ”
Me: Oh problem, definitely
“That wasn’t… it was a rhetorica— ”
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is
(credit Morgz, account missing)
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Oh, you think it’s “awkward” going to a wedding by yourself? Try going when you’ve dated both the bride & groom.
what did people do with their wet phones before rice was invented
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
DOCTOR: I have bad news
MAN WHO WOKE UP FROM 5 YR COMA: I don’t mind as long as I get to see my favorite gorilla from the Cincinnati zoo
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
It’s comical when I lean back in my chair only to realize it’s a stool.
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”