It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
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Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
Do one person every day that scares you.
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
me: so you’re just going to pack up my things? as if none of this meant anything to you??
grocery bagger: what
english majors be like furthermore
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
Mugger: Gimme yer wallet & don’t do nuthin dumb
Me: That’s a double negative, my friend. Unlike Romance languages, English – hey, come back
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.