You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
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date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
Damn, Starbucks. Not only do you spell my name completely wrong AND screw up my order, but on my way out some woman keeps calling me a thief
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
A time machine. But just to go back and eat the donuts I once refused.
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
Fitness instructors who resist the temptation to yell out YOUR OTHER LEFT are alright.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
Only way I’d want to see a jam band is if they were accompanied by a peanut butter orchestra.
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
did it work
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
Ever since I had my fingerprints taken for employment, I often sit at my desk gazing off in the distance, reflecting over the opportunity of an exciting life of crime lost by accepting this job.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
my mom taught me to say “not my circus, not my monkeys” when some crazy shit someone was doing wasn’t my business. but when my friends are doing crazy shit it’s tough. bc I’m like that’s not my circus… but that’s MY monkey
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!