You inspired me to sing. Never mind the dogs howling for me to stop.
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them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
when you tell me to do something I was already about to do
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.
~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
Habitual Offender sounds more dignified than 3 time loser.
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.