You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
You Might Also Like
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
straight girls are like “I think my boyfriend’s the Riverside Strangler, but besides that he’s great!”
A Tale of Two Cities 2: A Tale of Three Cities
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Everyone has that one friend they’ve known for years and still have no idea what they actually do for a living but it’s too late to ask
Someone already tweeted it’s hot outside.
Delete your tweet.
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Thank you corporation very cool
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
joining a chess tournament and timidly saying “are you mad at me?” whenever they take a piece
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
Excerpt of my Google searches today:
7:07am Did the curve flatten yet
7:54am Did the curve flatten yet
8:12am Did the curve flatten yet
8:14am Did the curve flatten yet
9:33am Did the curve flatten yet
9:48am Cheddar Bay biscuits delivery
9:49am Did the curve flatten yet
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
I’m southern, healthy eating to me is having my potatoes mashed and not fried
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost