You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”
You Might Also Like
Gordon Ramsay as an art judge:
*Throwing crayons
This “drawing” isn’t worth the paper it’s printed onBabies crying everywhere
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
Unchained Melody, but I have no idea how she got loose.
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids
What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
Find you a woman that looks at you the way my ex wife looked at my best friend, his brother, my stepdad, my bother-in-law, a handful of her coworkers, a group of bikers at the local bar that one time, that one dude who lived in the apartment above us…
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
Sometimes my sarcasm doesn’t deliver well and people miss the message. Anyway that’s why I’m stabbing you.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
“I need a car. What do you have?”
“Well, we have a Subaru Outback”
“But what kind of Subaru?”
“Outback”
“I don’t CARE where you keep it…”
Me : So I said to the police , “catch me if you can ”
Cellmate : “Them what happened “??
I’ll photoshop my youngest into old pics just to make him stop crying about not being a part of the family before he was born.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
We need to put an American base on the sun
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
How did people crash their vehicles before cellphones?