@TheNYAMProject

You just know that years after all this is over, we’re all gonna be the batty grandparents chasing after our kids as they leave with our arms full of toilet paper like “TAKE THIS YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN YOU’LL NEED SOME AND THERE WON’T BE ANY.”

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@ohpeetie

[ during job interview ]

– “Why do you think you would make a good asset to our team?”

– “I give up, why?”

@JonnyGoodTimes

My girlfriend HATES it when I sneak up on her.

According to her lawyer she also hates it when I call her my girlfriend ( ._.)

@yaboybillnye

SCIENCE FACT: if you took all of the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die.

@cray_at_home_ma

And on the 7th day God rested, but the children did not rest. So on Monday God made school and He sent the kids and all the people rejoiced.

@ShortSleeveSuit

[at the zoo]

HER: look at that leopard

ME: beautiful

HER: what do you suppose it’s thinking?

ME [so loud]: gunter glieben glauchen globen

@ArfMeasures

SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot

ME: Wow

SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion

ME: Ok

SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot

@pro_worrier_

Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency

Me: I’m being held prisoner

Dispatch: Do they have weapons?

Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords

Dispatch: Umm ok

Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks

Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children

Me: …….Maybe.

Dispatch: 5th one today

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!

Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.

@YourMomsucksTho

I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING

@Ygrene

Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks

Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks