You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
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“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Ah to hear the music of the angles!
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
*at the pot store*
Ok so I need an edible that will get me just slightly buzzed – like, not so stoned I can’t cook, but just high enough to keep me from punching my racist cousin
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
[at dentist]
so your X-rays look grea-
*phone rings*
hold on
*on phone* a new engine? jesus, ok
so as I was saying you have several cavities
I was best man at my friend’s 2nd wedding. I started my speech with “welcome back everyone” he was not happy #weddingfail
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..