“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
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Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Schrödinger’s cat wasn’t so special. I’m both alive and dead inside 24/7.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
My son is an embarrassment, I’m afraid. He came back from college for Xmas, and seems mortified to find that me & his mom have gone goth.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
I meant to take a long refreshing chug of soda, but I had not opened the can, so basically I french kissed aluminum.
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
You’re lifting weights dude, you’re not in labor. Settle down.
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
Round 2… FIGHT
– me, handing one tablet to both kids
[100 degree summer day]
me: this is so nice, I’ve got the AC running, TV and a pizza
people who love camping: ok, hear me out
My 4yo pretended she was a hired cleaner yesterday as. As she helped me clean she asked if I had any kids. After telling her about my 2 I asked if she had any of her own. Turns out she has 5 kids and has been married to a man named Carlin for 30 years. You think you know someone.
(after bedtime)
3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!
Me: go to sleep.
3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU
M: yes you can
3:NO I CAN’T
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
7-year-old: *dumps her toy dinosaurs all over the floor*
Me: You can’t just leave your dinosaurs everywhere.
7-year-old: It was their planet first.
Mood: the first half of a paper towel commercial when the mom is ready to light her family on fire
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
Meghan Trainor songs:
-All About That Bass
-Flounder’s Good Too
-Also I Like Shrimp
-Wait, I’m a Vegan
-All About That Kale