@MaraWritesStuff

“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*

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@imdaintyaf

Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen

@somelightcrying

I’m a businessman so I tuck my shirt in. There’s a lot of money on the line so I need you to know that this is roughly where my legs start.

@MichaelTrying

When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.

@delusions_of

What I said: “Let’s get together sometime.” What I meant: “Please forget you ever saw me.”

@charliedelta7

I like taking my cats out for a drive to show them roadkill so they know what will happen if they ever leave me.

@_Kim_Jongun

My clothes don’t fit anymore.

There’s only one possibly explanation.

America is shrinking my clothes.

@TheMainlandBlog

If I can make even one person laugh on here then I’m not doing my job.

The job I actually get paid for.

@deplorablem1ke

So, the CIA can hack into my T.V. and listen to every word I say..

But

McDonald’s can’t hear me say “No pickles” through the drive-thru speaker.

@TheAlexNevil

The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.