Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
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I’m a businessman so I tuck my shirt in. There’s a lot of money on the line so I need you to know that this is roughly where my legs start.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
What I said: “Let’s get together sometime.” What I meant: “Please forget you ever saw me.”
Ah ? ha ? ha ? ha ? stayin’ alive, stayin alive ? ? ? ?.
I like taking my cats out for a drive to show them roadkill so they know what will happen if they ever leave me.
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
If I can make even one person laugh on here then I’m not doing my job.
The job I actually get paid for.
So, the CIA can hack into my T.V. and listen to every word I say..
McDonald’s can’t hear me say “No pickles” through the drive-thru speaker.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.