“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
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Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
[texting]
Wife: Clean out your bowels.
Me: OK.
Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink
Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Never forget that your fave celebs are trying to sell you cartoon monkey pictures during a pandemic.
Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
this is why you should always wash behind your ears
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Basketball
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Me, watching Stranger Things: these scientists, these fools, play not a god who rends our world in twain.
Me, in real life, if scientists discovered a portal to another dimension: *slamming fists on table* OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT, OPEN IT