YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
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Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
I thought the husband was finally taking photography seriously by telling me to move to the right and smile. Turned out to be a nice shot of me with the dog taking a crap in the background.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
I keep calling one of my soccer players by the wrong name but in my defense I’ve only been coaching the team for a month and I’m her mother.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
dads when they smell someone in the neighborhood grillin’
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
“Only real heroes run towards danger” I think to myself while hiding from my whining children.
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
*personally visits the 7 friends who continually trap me in a rather chatty text message group & punches each of them in the face*
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.