@ibid78

You kids have no idea how lucky you are. Back in my day we had to shave our jokes into the sides of cats and throw those cats at passers by.

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@ohpeetie

Today on Facebook:

1) Jen feels betrayed but doesn’t want to talk about it
2) Kim started a prayer circle
3) Lori posted 87 recipes

@hero_ofthenight

So apparently airport security doesn’t like it when you call shotgun before boarding a plane.

@UncleDuke1969

“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.

“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”

@ClichedOut

my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings

me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again

my grandpa: well i’ll be damned

@MunkMania

My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.

@YourMomsucksTho

Is it really too much to ask for a pregnancy test commercial where the lady sees the two lines and starts laugh crying and the guy shits his pants?

@panmidwest

[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”

@AGreaterMonster

When I saw grown ups in public kissing I’d ask my mom, “What are they doing?” Now I wonder the same thing.

@JasonLastname

Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.