You kids today with your on demand music don’t know the euphoria of hearing your jam come on the radio without the DJ talking over it.
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*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
Me (trying to impress my date): I’ll have the garden fresh salad
Drive-thru: Dressing?
Me: Ummm, nope. Just sitting in my car
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
“Drat!” Annie felt the unwelcome creep of human emotion intrude upon her sensible agenda.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.
*sits the ceo of ziplock down in an empty room* I have someone I’d like you to meet. *sits down the person in charge of cereal packaging* Figure it out.
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”