“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
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I just told my kids they’ll never beat me at the silent treatment and they fell for it. The last 10 minutes have been heaven.
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
No sound cuts through the ambiance of a fine dining restaurant quite like the unmistakable noise of my wallet being unvelcroed
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
My ex wife asked me to check on her house while she was on vacation….
Google Earth says everything is just fine.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
Operator: 911, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, so I’ve heard of leaving your kid at the fire station, do they do pickup as well?
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
Writing, She Murdered.
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*