you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
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“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
hot instagram model girl: before each workout i always drink this
me: [laying in bed covered in crumbs] im gonna buy that
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
Colleague: want some popcorn? Keeps you young and beautiful like me
Me: Really? Looks to me you should’ve been eating a hell of a lot more
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
Me: Like that time in Harry Potter Revenge of the Fallen when the wizard becomes a Camaro
Pal: I think you mean…
Me: Dumblebee, yes, I know what I mean. So, anyway…
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
Daddy bear: “My porridge is too hot.”
Mummy bear: “My porridge is too cold.”
Baby bear: “Aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
Me: And when there was only one set of-
Jesus: Dude, just tell the cops there were TWO sets of footprints in the sand!
My dryer is celebrating lint.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down