you knew the backstreet boys were actually friends because when the one boy asks if hes “sexual” the rest of the boys all agree that he is
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This 4th of July, please remember…
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
GOD: Someone please shut those animals up!
ANGEL: Okay, you’re the boss. [kicks some dirt over them]
[later]
GOD: Hey where’d all the dinosaurs go?
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
[space]
MARS: March was named after me
PLUTO: So, Mickey Mouse’s dog was named after me
MARS: …
PLUTO: …
MARS: I’m a planet
PLUTO: Sonuvabi—
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
[first date]
him: I’m sorry about the sushi but your bio said “real fish person”
me, a mermaid: can we just go
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.