[pharmacy]
“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”
PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?
“No thanks, I already believe in children”
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Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
Why it’s called a cellular membrane and not a gene-jacket I’ve no idea.
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
Cow it started Cow it’s going
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
(Business)
Mike: It’s a sled. I call it the Mikesled.
Bob: I have a better idea.
The reason I can’t bake is the excessive effort to take out and put back all the pots and pans stored inside the oven
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.